Books on compassion

Lovingkindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness, by Sharon Salzberg

This book blew me away. I rarely want to actually do the exercises at the end of book chapters. This book I want to buy as a life guide (I had taken it out at the library). Ms. Salzberg explains the tenets of compassion in the Buddhist tradition with clarity and kindness to the reader. Like a true experienced practitioner, she cuts through the facade and bullshit and tells us how to get past our fears, patterns and habits to let our compassion out. She shares her own experience of studying maitri with humor and down-to-earthness that is easy to connect with. Practitioners like her, who grew up in the States but really truly studied with teachers in the Buddhist tradition, have a wonderful way of translating this information so that we Americans can understand.

The Heart of Altruism, by Kristen Renwick Monroe

I love the approach in this book published in 1995. It’s an academic, data (interview/survey) driven study of why some people exhibit more altruism than others. Ms. Monroe defines the highest level of altruism as helping others at the potential peril of yourself or family. She studies 4 groups: entrepreneurs, philanthropists, heroes and rescuers of Jews in Nazi Europe, illustrating a spectrum of altruism through these 4 groups. Results showed various backgrounds, upbringings, geographies, religions, birth order, parental effects and more - nothing was common among members of any particular group or between groups. The only common trait was that the more altruistic a person acted, the more they had the perspective that we are all one. There is a common humanity to the greatest altruists - heroes and rescuers. They act almost reflexively when helping. When asked about their experience, they claim there was no thought that went into it - i.e. “these are humans and they need help. What are you going to do?” They didn’t think of the peril in which they put themselves and their children or other family members. They all said they would do it again in a heartbeat. In some cases, they went through terrible punishment for what they did or they lost loved ones. But they said they would do it again - not for any sort of glory or even seeing the results of their work - but simply because these people needed help. I appreciate Ms. Monroe’s depth of work and human interaction in her descriptions of her interviews. She says there is the potential for altruism in everyone, but some people are bigger altruists because of their view of humanity.

Love! Valour! Compassion!, by Terrence McNally

What a great play! I’ve never seen a production of it, but I’m going to look for one when theaters reopen. Six gay men get together for three holiday weekends bookending the summer. Two of them have AIDS and one is failing. This story is about their relationships, their everyday lives, their struggles with being ostracized, with their work, with their fidelity, with their health. Told uniquely and brilliantly, it’s basically the story of 6 people’s lives. It’s beautiful. I don’t recall the word “compassion” anywhere in the text. McNally mentions in his forward that he wanted to write about the lives of gay men and that the title is from one of John Cheever’s journal entries. Written in 1994.

Self Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself, by Kristin Neff

This book was a game changer - a life changer - for me. Kristin explains fully and specifically what self-compassion is and breaks down how to have it. The first chapters are about you, the reader, and point out the ways in which you may have been lacking compassion toward yourself. After that’s fully described, Kristin goes into the research, the argument of why self-compassion is and has been in countless studies the way to a more joyful, more full, whole-hearted (in Brene speak) life. Her personal accounts make you feel closer to her without her sharing too much. Clearly she’s a therapist with healthy boundaries. Kindness, a recognition of our common humanity, and mindfulness are the three components to self-compassion. I was most affected by her discussion of self-esteem versus self-compassion. I was in school when self-esteem was first being addressed and taught to children; so it’s ingrained in me that self esteem is something we need to obtain. Kristin breaks down the practices of both and uses research to form her opinion that self-esteem isn’t a predictor of a happy, healthy person, whereas self-compassion is. Frankly, this made me finally get to the bottom of my own comparison problem, realize that I’ve been trying to be the best human instead of one of the humans, which in turn has isolated me from others and caused suffering and even depression. I commend this book and I extend my gratitude to Kristin Neff for writing it.

The Meaning of Nice: How Compassion and Civility Can Change Your Life (and the World), by Joan Duncan Oliver

This book does what the title says - explores the meaning of nice. According to a survey run by the author, nice can allude to lots of different adjectives, including compassionate. Overall, the books makes a case for why being nice is beneficial to each person and gives examples of how the world is moving in this direction, i.e. at work. I really enjoyed her chapter on etiquette and manners, how they help us get along as a society, help us to introduce ourselves in other societies, and help others feel comfortable. The chapters on human connection and on the perils of being too nice are well researched and explained. Joan’s research on these topics and presentation of the results of their practices are lovely, polite ways to explain ways we can connect and respect, without telling us we have to do so. She lets us glimpse at the idea that being nice can make us happier. She echoes the argument of Buddhists that nice is an inborn trait; and if we can extract ourselves from the rat race for a moment, we would become our naturally nice selves.

Adrian Simcox Does NOT Have a Horse, by Marcy Campbell, illustrated by Corinna Luyken

Ms. Campbell writes a beautiful story with the lesson of understanding that even when someone lies, you might not want to call them out on it. It might be their escape from insecurity with their living situation or their life. Gorgeous illustrations bring a wonderful surprise at the end. I wish I had learned this lesson when I was younger. I was hard on people in my insistence on truth in my young adult years.

What is Given from the Heart, by Patricia C. McKissack, illustrated by April Harrison

Lovely, beautiful story. Very cool collage-like illustrations. A poor young boy who has lost his father and whose mother is struggling searches for what to give a little girl at church whose house burned down. Though he doesn’t have much, he’s grateful for what he does have and he takes his task seriously, resulting in bringing joy to a little girl going through a sad time. 

Be Kind, by Pat Zietlow Miller, illustrated by Jen Hill

Adorable book with lively illustrations that would keep kids enthralled for many days. The protagonist witnesses another girl at school spilling grape juice on herself. As other kids laughed, she tried to figure ways to be kind. The embarrassed girl wasn’t up for cheering up, so the first person narrator sits by her and makes her a picture in art class. She thinks of small things to be kind, noting that if we all did small things, they would add up + the world would be a kinder place. At the end, the juice girl hangs the picture on her bedroom wall.

I Walk with Vanessa: A Story about a Simple Act of Kindness, by Kerascoet

Man I love the illustrations in this book. There are no words in it - only pictures. The story is beautiful. Though the main theme mentioned at the back of the book is bullying, it seems to me that compassion is an equal theme. A new girl in school sits alone, eats alone, plays alone, walks home alone. Another girl, I’ll call her Yellow Dress, notices her on the walk home, then notices her being bullied by a schoolboy. Vanessa runs home crying and Yellow Dress doesn’t know what to do. She thinks about it overnight and has the idea in the morning to pick Vanessa up at her house. The beautiful part happens here, as one by one, kids come out of their houses and join hands with Vanessa and Yellow Dress until loads of kids fill the pages of the book in one big happy group of friends as they get to school. Such a sweet story of going out of your way to include someone in your group, letting them know that they belong and taking away their suffering.

Wolf in the Snow, by Matthew Cordell

Wordless picture book. These are my kind of illustrations - weird and funny looking. That’s to say I’m somewhat biased here. The boy in the story, upon his way home from school, notices a wolf pup separated from its pack. He hears the howling of the wolves and brings the pup to them. By this time it’s dark outside and the boy is tired from walking and collapses on his way home. The wolves hear his family’s calls for him and they stand by and howl until the family finds the boy. Similar to the story of The Lion and the Mouse, in that kindness is reciprocated in immediate format. This is easy for children to understand, I imagine. The beautiful gesture of helping the pup is sprung from the understanding that he shouldn’t be alone and so he must be separated from his pack; and he will perish if he doesn’t return to his pack. The boy understands this without words, without pleading of any sort from the pup. The same is true when the pack hears the boy’s parents calling and sees him asleep in the snow. They also understand that this “pup” cannot be separated from his “pack” and must be returned in order to survive. Understanding what a member of another species needs to survive - this is evidence of our ability to understand, and to act - that is, to show compassion.

The Lion and the Mouse, by Jerry Pinckney

A wordless picture book. Illustrations I think are paintings and beautiful ones at that. Tells the story in Aesop’s Fables of the lion who spares the mouse’s life and then the mouse sets the lion free from a net trap. There is an illustration of the lion looking at the mouse deciding what to do. This is the moment of compassion, yes? The moment he understands the mouse’s fear and suffering and decides to let the mouse go. Followed by an illustration of the mouse returning to her babies - the lion allowed her to continue caring for them. When the lion is put in peril by hunters, the mouse hears his roar of pain. This is her call to compassion - her call to act (I imagine a mouse could and would easily ignore a loud roar on the Serengeti - considering its place in the food chain). But act she does; and she takes away the lion’s fear and suffering. Beautifully done.

Harold Loves his Woolly Hat, by Vern Kousky

Perhaps this should be required reading for anyone who connects their esteem to their image, i.e. many teens and people in their 20s trying to figure out who they are and trying to create an image to do so. I don’t mean fashion or style, I mean image. Like white boy gangsta wardrobe or Gordon Gecko or only expensive fashion house clothes. Harold the bear “knows” his woolly hat makes him special, makes him stand out (gives him high self esteem). When it’s stolen by a crow, he does everything he can to get it back. When he finally tries to physically steal it, he realizes the hat is being used as a nest for baby crows. He then takes it upon himself to be part of the baby crows’ upbringing. Now it’s through his helpfulness, rather than his hat, that he is special. Something we can all use reminding of.

Counting by 7s, by Holly Goldberg Sloan

Wow what a beautiful story. It seems to me it would challenge young people in a good way. Willow Chance is a 12-year old girl who has the quirks that come olong with being a genius. When her parents die in a car accident, she’s launched into the world, with no family or friend connections aside from a new, terrible-at-his-job school counselor. A high school boy also sees the counselor and his sister Mai brings him there. She lets Willow into her heart. Her opening and Willow’s openness set into motion a chain of events that changes the lives of Mai and her brother, her mother, the counselor, a taxi driver, and of course Willow. A beautiful story of connections and interconnection. We need each other; and if we are there for each other, we find that life takes a path we never knew existed. This is a high recommendation - I don’t know if it’s young adult or younger than that, but I highly recommend either way.

Firegirl, by Tony Abbott

A new girl shows up in Tom’s 7th grade class. She has been burned and is going to a burn hospital in the area. Tom overcomes his 7th grade culture fears to hold her hand at prayer time (Catholic school) and to eventually speak to her after his teacher has him bring her her homework. The descriptions of Tom’s inner struggles with his feelings and what to do are beautiful and feel real. He takes the road of compassion, doing the hard thing instead of the easy thing multiple times. I love that this story includes that struggle between doing the right thing and doing what your peers want/expect you to do. The right thing is compassion - we all know it deep down - but we squish it because it’s uncomfortable, difficult, unpopular. And when we don’t act on compassion, we know it and beat ourselves up for it forever.