How I Address My Anxiety with Yoga

I lived with chronic pain for over 30 years, since I was 12 years old up until last year, when the cause for the pain was diagnosed and I had surgery to release it. I had a condition called MALS, where a ligament on my diaphragm was wrapped around an artery and nerve ganglion. The constant pressing on the nerves caused constant pain...and constant anxiety. Yoga's tenets of listening to the body and observing without judgment help me deal with the anxiety that I've become friends with. The pain is one reason my anxiety has been plentiful. But anxiety is also in my family's DNA. Of course, anxiety is in all humans' DNA and many of us find ourselves overwrought with it. 

Dealing with pain on an almost constant basis made me fear when pain would come. Would it happen when I was in public? Would I embarrass myself with an anxiety attack in front of the kids in middle school, in front of my high school friends, my college friends, my grown-up girlfriends, co-workers, fellow yoga teachers, my own yoga students? Maybe because I grew up this way or maybe because it went on for so long, I'm used to the feeling of wanting to jump up and run down the lane, escaping possible embarrassment. Just the feeling that something might happen would at times send me reeling...internally. All of this churning and burning happened on the inside while I kept quiet and calm on the outside. No one knew I was about to burst, save for a few unlucky close family members who saw it happen. When I came to yoga, I was curious. What was this exercise with a spiritual side? How does it supposedly calm you down? And could it possibly help with anxiety? I had tried a million ways to diminish my anxiety. This was another swing aimed at knocking it out of the park. 

What I found in yoga class was a new approach. I had been an athlete and dancer. Those activities are aimed at performance, so you try to get your body to do things that might not be great for it. You adopt a "no pain, no gain" mindset. This idea of listening to your body instead of putting it out of your mind, even when you weren't taxing it, was alluring to me. This approach calmed me. Then there was this concept of observation without judgment. From day one, this blew my mind. Make a movement and don't judge it. Get into a pose and observe and realize that I look nothing like the teacher, but don't judge this. Observe that someone could drive a truck under my pigeon pose, but don't judge that. Notice the sensations, notice what might be hindering me from going further, notice extra tension in satellite regions, but don't judge. Whoa. Wow. Letting go of judging myself calmed my anxiety man by at least half. All that extra energy spent judging - it was a mind-opener.

There are numerous studies that show that restorative yoga poses, including Savasana, stimulate the parasympathetic nervous system. This system is nicknamed the "rest and digest" system - it's the calm state many of us seek and the antidote to overstimulation of the sympathetic nervous system, or "fight or flight" system. Yes, Savasana and friends calmed me, backed me away from fight or flight, stilled the fluctuations of my mind somewhat. But it was this approach of self kindness and observation without judgment that addressed my anxiety most. When I sit with these ideas, anxiety goes from a rapidly bouncing tiny koosh ball man to one who jogs easy laps. I can watch this happen. I have learned to acknowledge and accept my current state of being and feelings with yoga. I took my first yoga class in 2002. From the time I did my teacher training, for over 10 years now, I have spent hours a day on my mat, even on the days I didn't feel like it, watching the unraveling. 

Asana brings purpose to my life. It focuses me and my body. At times when pain and anxiety have been out of control and things look dark, practicing asana has been the only bright light, the only thing going right. That's why I practice. That's why it's important to practice. Yoga is a friend that I visit each day; and it's on the dark days that we need friends most. I'm not the kind of person to tell others what to do. But I firmly believe that everyone should do yoga. We all need to listen to ourselves and we all need to observe without judgment. Those ideas are appealing and relevant to everyone - not just bendy people or workout people or people who have extra time on their hands. As I said before, I'm used to pain. Life has been a little strange without it. My anxiety man, though, he remains. I've made friends with him. When he gets out of control, I ask him what he needs or if he's simply reacting unnecessarily. We work through it. The clarity I've found with him comes from my yoga practice. Together we acknowledge where we are and keep moving on. This is listening. This is observing without judgment. This is yoga - to me.